Right, I needed a vent for this because these thoughts have been brewing in my head for little over a week or two, and I require somewhere to spew them out. It seems as though I’m playing a different game to the reviewers who are willing to simply throw phrases out such as “Competitors beware: this is the best MMO in the world” – PC Gamer, or “Cataclysm has something for everyone.” – Game Planet. So I’ve decided to compile a list of sorts of quotes from reviewers that made me want to bleed from my eyes.
“Tales of having to kill fifty boars for three boar hides are done away with” – IGN.
Uh, no they’re not. In fact, I had to kill several fucking wolves for feet that they apparently DIDN’T HAVE. This is probably one of the greatest lies about Cataclysm, that it’s somehow killed off this “Kill 10 of X or Get X from Y by killing them”. It hasn’t. It’s still there, sure they’ve put a story over it but that’s like covering a puddle of vomit with a tarp. You get this as soon as you start in Hyjal by the way. Brilliant little cut scene where you’re riding a dragon after Deathwing torched the shit out of an outpost, soon as you land, pick up a quest. “KILL 10 OF THESE FIRE THINGS”. Brilliant.
“Developers and fans of hardcore, sandbox online games like EVE or Ultima Online – emergent, changing worlds born from dog-eat-dog player interaction – like to dismiss the more populist virtual worlds, like World of Warcraft’s, as “theme parks”.The implication is that they’re kiddy activity centres where every event has been designed by committee and carefully stripped of personal risk, and where nothing ever really changes. After you’ve killed the biggest dragon in the world, you can get off the ride, rejoin the queue and do it all again. Hell, the polygons probably have padding. That’s not real life! Well, no. It’s a game. Horses for courses, but it’s always struck me as a curious insult; theme parks are, after all, supposed to be magical and exciting escapist wonderlands where the fun never stops. If I can have that without paying 10 dollars for a Coke and wading through thousands of human bodies to get to the entertainment, sign me up.” – Eurogamer
Oli Welsh there masterfully parrying a familiar criticism of WoW provided by Eve Online players and- wait no he didn’t dismiss it at all. Sorry for the enormo-quote but I have to confront this entire introduction to the review. You don’t simply palm off the charge of Eve Online players like that, it’s a serious criticism. Throughout WoW, you’re meant to feel a hero, defender of the downtrodden etc etc. You’re achieving nothing if the 10 fucking wolves you just killed to defend a village or some shit respawn within 2 minutes. Do you remember the tale of George and the Dragon, where George slays it in front of the folk of the town, and it respawns a bit later? I don’t. And that’s why it’s not a shit story. There are some elements of phasing and storyline progression yes, but throughout the game you’re seeing shit that you dealt with 10 levels back, perhaps with another hero stepping up to put the beast down for another 2 minutes. Also, “It’s a game”. Thanks for telling us that, never guessed myself.
Also, you do not have complaints about the game/explain elements of the game which disappointed you and then give it a perfect score. Aha you may say, Eurogamer policy says that 10/10 does not indicate perfection! Perfection being subjective as it is, it’s impossible to imagine the “perfect game” however, if you’ve just said that cataclysm removes some of the magic of the old world for brutal efficiency, it makes me wonder why you just gave it the highest score you could, especially when you say that it has less to offer high level players. These are fairly serious issues, something that could be improved, Once again, review score problem.
“Recognizing that classic WoW’s “go kill 10 kobolds, now go kill 10 more kobolds” quest content was actually pretty terrible, at least in comparison to the leveling content and quests introduced in Burning Crusade and Wrath of the Lich King, Blizzard has taken a heavy hatchet to its previous work. While some quests and storylines remain mostly unchanged, the majority of content is new…” – The Escapist
Wait, you just said that Blizzard recognised the whole Kill X thing was garbage. Why the hell did they leave some quests unchanged? When you say some quests, do you mean, a lot of them? Case in point, starting Tauren zone, fairly different, Quillboars are the new enemy of the day, and it seems more of a battle for control of the area rather than some animal genocide. Soon as you leave, go to the second village, you’re out killing wolves for their pelts and birds for their beaks. It was fucking terrible then, and it’s fucking terrible in Cataclysm.
“Excellent art design goes a long way at concealing the cracks and wrinkles in a ten-year-old engine, but it is at its core still World of Warcraft and a fresh coat of paint and a significant tune-up can’t change that. And yet, maybe it doesn’t have to be anything else.” – The Escapist again
“Five stars. This is as good as gaming currently gets, the crème de la crème. This doesn’t imply perfection, merely that the experience you’ll have will be exceptionally enjoyable.” – The Escapist on what a 5 star/perfect score means.
Problem with this. You’ve just said that it’s still WoW at heart, WoW being something that many have serious problems with, and some find a chore to play. You can’t then say that the experience will be exceptionally enjoyable. If you didn’t like WoW then, you still aren’t going to like it. If you didn’t like the core gameplay, your experience will not be “exceptionally enjoyable” it’s going to be “exceptionally dull”. Good to see that you’re handing out perfect scores for what you yourself describe as a coat of paint and a significant tune up too. Admittedly nit-picking, but then again this is why review scores are pointless. If you hate WoW, this isn’t going to make you like it, if you loved WoW, then you’ll still love it (maybe).
“The MMO genre has long aspired to give players the impression that their presence affects the world, and with its comprehensive use of phasing and cutscenes, Cataclysm comes the closest of any game yet” – Gametrailers
Ahahahahah, wait no you’re serious. Quick, ignore Eve Online, where players run the economy, the politics, the neutral space of the game, you know Eve, where players are on a fucking elected board which gets an audience with the fucking developers, with CCP paying the fucking travel fees to fly them out to Iceland. Sorry, but reading that just gave me a hernia. So let’s get this straight. Cataclysm, where you presence effects phased instances and cutscenes, or Eve Online, where you can influence the economy, the politics, the structure of the game, the territory of the game etc. Damn looks like Cataclysm beats Eve in giving the player the impression of influence.
“Hundreds of new quests suddenly assumed a fresh cinematic vitality, and the streamlined story-based leveling experience chronicled your rise from average Joe to savior of the world” – Gamespy
Along with millions of other people who will solve the same problems, wear the same armour, slay the same beasts. So it’s more of a rise from average Joe to average Joe savior of the world along with the other Joes. But then again this is comparing it to Eve, I apologise.
“If you ever played through the Death Knight starter quests in Wrath of the Lich King, you have a good idea of what to expect here on a worldwide basis.” – Gamespy
No. Sorry, the Death Knight starter quests are probably the finest experience that WoW could ever provide, genuinely interesting story, brilliant quests, riveting conclusion. To say that this is what to expect on a worldwide basis from 80-85 is just wrong, it isn’t. You’re gonna be killing 10 boars, with the boars having varying names and shapes, there is no dancing around this issue.
“Up until the endgame, Cataclysm is a casual player’s dream, strutting about like a sprawling single-player game with some optional multiplayer modes.”
Because strutting about in a sprawling single-player game with some optional multiplayer modes is exactly the experience I want to be paying a subscription to an MMO for. He’s wrong about WoW being this.
“It was always obvious that I was going to enjoy Cataclysm: it’s an extension of what I really like.” – PC Gamer
I’m done. Funny thing is I don’t even dislike WoW. I really enjoyed Wrath of the Lich King. I just didn’t think Cataclysm was special, and when I read these reviews it just sends me into a blind rage.
