Here at Citizen Game, we’re mighty fond of a bargain. But how do you know if a cheap or even free game is worth your valuable time? After all, you could be out walrus wrestling, or reading poetry to molluscs, or whatever it is important people do these days now that we no longer have an economy. Luckily, our time is worth almost nothing at all, so we’ve plumbed the depths of the Intertubes to bring you our latest feature — Freebie Friday! This week, we’re looking at Space PhallusCocks. The internet is full of them. Space however is cock free, or so N.A.S.A would like us to believe. But the ‘Saturn mark V’ does have a striking resemblance to a massive… Nevermind. Where was I? Space Phallus is a side-scrolling shoot ‘em up that evokes a classic Commodore 64 pixelated graphic style while playing like infamously difficult Japanese arcade stalwart R-Type. Developed by Charlie’s Games in 2009 you battle waves of genitalia and the bodily fluids that come gushing from within.
The concept is simple. You pilot the disembodied head of a dog, fighting against evil space penises. Shooters have never been heavy on storyline and nothing changes here. Its kill or be killed. The fact a giant sperm is going to kill you is neither here nor there. Space Phallus’ mechanics don’t differ in from any game in this genre. Your ship starts with a basic rapid shot and a limited number of rockets and a magnificent pixel effect bomb. Each of the game’s three levels features the compulsory mid-bosses and bosses, multidirectional scrolling, and frantic dodging. For free there are very few games that offer the same juvenile pleasure and hectic balls to the wall chaos that Space Phallus delivers.