Citizen Game

Gamer Gifts from Hell

Worse than a dodgy Santa jumper, is the prospect of your mum getting adventurous in the local game shop.

Among the least enjoyable moments of Christmas is the ceremonial opening gifts from friends and relatives you probably don’t call, let alone see, very often. Many try to minimize embarrassment by gifting unimaginative presents; ones that don’t require much knowledge of the receivers personality or hobbies. These are the socks that line your drawers for the next 12 months, gift cards that disappear with the wrapping paper and the occasional sports autobiography.

On a cold Friday morning in the next few weeks most of you going to get some of these, but a small number will be unwrapping gifts far more terrifying. If you play games just enough that your loved ones notice, there’s a decent chance one of them will stumble into the local entertainment boutique and, armed with that tiny shred of information, leave with what they think is the perfect gift.

This time last year I was working behind the till of one such game shop. This year I’ve utilised my seemingly useless insider knowledge to review the in-store merchandising of several high-street game chains. This is a list of the worst games your unwitting relatives could be wrapping up for you this Christmas.

Sherlock Homes Vs Jack The Ripper (PC, 360)
It’s a funny coincidence that this game has been released in the weeks leading up to the Christmas Day opening of Sherlock Homes movie starring a certain Robert Downey Jr. Not so funny though, its the prospect of your non-gamer sibling picking this one up at its budget price on PC or Xbox 360. In spite of its ludicrous name the game has actually reviewed well. However as it’s an adventure game it will most likely bore the arse off of anybody uninterested in the genre. This one is especially troublesome is anyone in your family has spotted your copy of Mortal Kombat Vs DC.

CSI: Deadly Intent (360, PC, Wii, DS)
The last game that had Laurence Fishburne as a character was critically lambasted but still sold over 5,000,000,000 units; You should never underestimate the the pulling power of the Fishburne. CSI: Deadly Intent is the latest spin-off from the ever-popular American TV series. If your into bad voice acting and collection sperm from inside dead bodies, you may be in luck. If you don’t, just hope another relative buys you the box-set on DVD. At least then you can watch it on the console and pretend to be playing through the obvious plot lines.

We Sing (Wii)
If you ask a person off the street to name a game they’ve played recently, a fair ammount will mention WiiSports or some sort of Singstar / Guitar Hero party game. We Sing is a marketing executives wet-dream. Not only does it sell itself as a party rhythm game, but it has the word We in it. Though spelled differently to Nintendo’s console (some would say more correctly) We Sing is sure to remind your sister of that great night playing WiiTennis and WiiBowling on WiiSports. As for the songs, how does Barbie Girl by Aqua and Tom Jones’ Delilah sound.

Superstars v8 Racing (360, PS3, PC)
Never heard of it? You’re clearly not taking a close enough eye on the Italian games industry! Supstars v8 Racing was released to the world this past summer to mediocre sales. Codemasters were in charge of a decent scale UK release, but due to the poor sales many high-street games retailers have hundreds of extra copies taking up storage space. It’s already plummeted to under a tenner in many shops, so expect it in bundle deals and 3/2 offers across the country soon. It’s hardly Forza or  but if your a fan of obscure Italian racetracks, you may be in luck.

Band Hero (Wii, 360, PS3)
“Band Hero” used to be our comical take on the dumb reality that is rhythm game names; something in the same vein as YouTwit or FaceTube. However some bright spark in Activision decided to throw a naming convention curve-ball, the result being a game that will sound familiar to non-gamers. Band Hero isn’t a terrible game per-se, but it does have a terrible set list for anybody old enough to have a credit card, or taste. Your Christmas soundtrack would consist of Maroon 5, Alphabeat, Village People and Taylor Swift – no word on Kanye West stage invasion minigame. The only hope is your mum asks the sales assistant for GuitarBand or RockHero by mistake instead. Though they’re probably in development already.

James Cameron’s Avatar: The Game (360, PS3, Wii, DS, PC)
I don’t make a habit of making criticizing games pre-release, but considering the money-grabbing reputation of the person in the name, I don’t think you’ll be too harsh. Avatar: The Game is the official video game tie-in to James Cameron’s megabucks 3D visual orgasm. No word on if the 360 version has Microsoft Avatar support, though if your lucky your brother could get the other Avatar game by mistake. At least that’s an easy 1,000 points.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (360, PS3, Wii, DS, PC, PSP)
Much like the first Transformers movie game, Revenge of the Fallen was published en-mass and sold fuck-all. The DVD & BluRay have just been released ahead of Christmas, leading to more store front exposure of the franchise. Retailers will be all to keen to flog off their copies of this particular software abortion, most probably in bundles with other random leftover merchandise. If you unwrap it this December 25th alongside an official decepticon baseball cap and a “My other car is Bumblebee” bumper-sticker, you know I was right. It’s a shame they didnt just release a DVD of Megan Fox wardrobe malfunctions instead.

Danny O’Dwyer